I love this time of the year. I just love the idea of a clean slate. The chance to get it right this time. No matter how many mistakes, no matter how desperate or ill-conceived the past year may have been, this time I could get it right. Eat better, meditate daily, finish that first chapter…its all right there just waiting for me. It’s a season brimming with new ideas, exploding with possibility.

There’s a hopeful energy surging through everything & everyone. I wake a little earlier & pop out of bed with an ounce more bounce. The mind reels as I think of all the things I could accomplish in 12 whole months.

Its like one big do over.

Now, what to do first?

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-Alan Cohen

* Rude People. You know who you are. There is just no need for you to exist. “Please”, “Thank You”, “Excuse me”, these are not unnecessary, you however are.

* People who talk just to hear themselves speak. Not everything said is interesting or necessary. There really is no need to try & fill up every single piece of empty space with something. Especially when that something is really nothing & just makes me want to smack you.

* Dumb people. I’m not talking about not knowing the square root of Pi. I mean people who lack any common sense whatsoever. People with less think through skills then a piece of dead wood.

* Screaming kids. If you can’t control your ankle biters inside the home, don’t bring them outside the home. There is no need for everyone to have to suffer for your mistakes or lack of parental know how.
* “Have a Happy Period.” Are you kidding me? I just know it was a man that came up with that particular ad gem. And every time I notice it, I happen to be on my “happy” period & inches from homicidal. Which of course relates us back to the dumb people I mentioned earlier.
* Morning people. Just because you feel the need to have a conversation before a cup of coffee doesn’t mean the rest of us do. So zip it, or prepare to be harmed.
I’m sure I have more. But I just can’t be bothered today.

HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD!!!!!

So Christmas is fast approaching & am I ready? Of course not!!! Every year is the same. I start planning in Nov & never get anything done until the week before. I don’t even have all my Christmas cards written. Though, in my defense, I do have a lot of Christmas cards to write (48 to be precise). and I copt out a bit this year & sent e-cards to about another 20, mostly to avoid the hassle of tracking down addresses. So I don’t feel too bad about the cards, I have about half of them sent, (pat on the back). I’ve got to edit that card list next year, really I do, it just keeps getting bigger. Pretty soon I’ll be all year just writing cards. As for gifts, it’ll be January before anyone at home gets my gifts because I don’t even have them in the mail yet. And that’s a shame because a few of them are kinda seasonal. So mom’s not going to get to use her Santa plates until next year. Not to worry, she’ll understand, where do you think I got my procrastinating ways.

Someday, I’ll get it all together. Everyone will get their cards the first week of December & their gifts will all arrive a few days before Christmas, so they can settle in under the tree & the kids can all take their turn shaking them, trying to guess what could be hidden inside. I don’t stress about it. The people who know me know that this is how it is.

But one year, maybe soon, I’ll surprise them. Most likely it’ll just be the one time & none of them should expect it to continue because it more then likely was a total fluke. But just once would be enough for me.

Maybe next year, of course I said that this year, & last year & the year before….

I don’t have an unlimited disposable income. I don’t think I have any disposable income actually. But I do however, on occasion, like to pretend. I’ll admit, sometimes pretending becomes buying. But usually its just pretending. Every once in a while I get the almost uncontrollable urge to just shop. The last time I got the urge was in Vancouver, Robson St, almost a year ago. Well, pretending didn’t quite work that day, 2 hours & $1200 later, I felt purged. Unfortunately, I don’t work the high seas anymore. I can’t spend $$$ like I actually have it. I shouldn’t have really done it then either, but I did.

Now, I’m in Banff. Which for those of you unfamiliar with this particular point of geography/retail. I can’t really shop if I want to. Except for sporting goods & local art. So do I let go of my stanch belief in the power of retail therapy? Become a penny pincher? Invest in my future, any future? Of course not! Instead, I have discovered the beauty & convenience of online shopping. Capitalism at my fingertips & delivered directly to my door in less then 7 days. How cool is that?

I’ve reluctantly decided to share some of my fabulous online finds. There are some pretty terrible sights out there, but these are awesome.

http://www.shopintuition.com/ Everything from Hollywood high fashion to Target Couture.

http://www.shopbop.com/ I could spend all day browsing on here.

http://www.pinkstore.com/ Yes, pink is my new favorite colour but no, not everything on here is pink. Actually very little is. Not a huge selection, but worth a look.

www.raredevice.net Everything from clothing- wallpaper. Every one who knows me pretty much knows I’ve been decorating my imaginary house for a few years now. I got idea overload from there home decor link. There’s a zen tea pot & a wall print on here I must own.

http://www.swayandcake.com/ Pics are a little small, can strain the eyes a bit. But the clothes are definately wearable.

Great retro tees spot is Morphine Generation or you could just make your own at Bang On.

But my absolute favorite, hands down is http://www.anthropologie.com/ Feminine, vintage-inspired, totally perfect.

And, best of all, browsing online is stress free. No aggressive sales people. No panicked crowds. No screaming kids. No sore feet.

Playing around on the sights doesn’t really cure my shopping itch. But it can inspire & it does give me a goal. And you gotta have a goal.

What makes a person stop?



Do they just wake up one morning & think, ‘this is far enough, I refuse to go any further’?
Is it a conscious choice?
Is there doubt?
My brother Michael died 2 years ago yesterday. Truthfully, he didn’t ‘die‘ he killed himself. I haven’t talked about him in those years, not even to my family. I try not to even think about him. I think I might hate him. I don’t want to, but I think I might. And I have no idea how to make that stop.
Sometimes I dream about him. We’re driving in a car, I don’t recognize the scenery but it’s beautiful. I get out of the car to take a photo of a sea view & when I turn around he has driven off without me. He just drives off & leaves me stranded in this place I don’t know.
Sometimes we’re in an old house. There are dozens of people around, I stop to admire a painting on the wall & when I turn around he’s gone. I catch him going down a spiral stair case. I try to follow him but I can’t catch up. The stairs seem to descend forever, there’s just no end to them. An old woman tells me not to bother. She tells me I’ll never catch him where he’s going. Whenever I have this dream I always wake up crying. I had it a few times before I could remember it well enough to get why I was crying. I get it now.
I never mention him to my family. They all rushed home for the funeral, had him buried on church ground, next to dad.
I’ve studied suicide. I’m more than familiar with all the psychological reasoning. I know all the theories of depression, chemical imbalances, psychotic breaks, & on & on & on. None of it matters. The truth is he quit the game half way through & left the rest of us holding the cards.
I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I know better than some the freedom you can find in forgiveness. But sometimes when a grudge is all you have, its just all you have. And there’s no resolution to be found if you ask me. You can’t argue with the wind.

I am most possibly the dumbest smart person I know. I’m just absent minded. I forget simply tasks & fumble my way through most days. Ask me about the Gross National Product, International Immigration Laws or even the root of Pi and I’m on the ball. Really, I am. But in day to day functioning, I’m a mess.

Well this week I did the unthinkable. I lost my iPod. I must admit, I didn’t take very good care of him. I took him for granted really. I threw him around the apartment, tossed him in & out of gym bags, left him under my smelly runners or rubbing up against my keys as I ran to work. Once or twice I even stepped on him. I didn’t mean to, it was an accident. I just aways thought he’d be there. And now he’s gone, forever.

As silly as it may seem to those of you still carting around the extra 5 pds of diskman. I’m a bit lost without my daily soundtrack. Even my walk to the post office this morning felt like a task.

So to whom ever has found my beloved iPod: Be good to him. Appreciate him. And take good care of him. I didn’t and now he’s gone. Mom was right, I don’t take care of my things.

Also, I hope you enjoy the Doors I put on there, I added a little Hip, some Dylan & tossed in a bit of Nellie Furtado… Enjoy!